if u are, stop visiting my blog. njan 'ivide' postunnathu nirthi. 

i seriously do not know what is going thru her mind. probably furstration tht i do not understand her, or some sort of resentment at her parents, or a feeling on unwantedness in the family, a feeling tht she maybe causing me trouble,loneliness, and what-not. thts probably coz she's an idiot.shit happens, get over it. icant believe im saying this. dunno, maybe tis the effect from watching all that house. if im house, i want her to be cuddy, not cameron. i want her to stand up for herself. iw ant her to do what she wants without being afraid. if she likes me, i want her to say that she likes me, and i want her to ask for a relationship. i want her to decide what she wants with sarath, considering evrything. i want her to stand up to he rparents, let them know she loves them and respects them, but its time tht they treated her like what she is: a 21 year old girl, an adult, who's allowed to make decisions on her own, and is independent, and he rparents need to step back into supporting roles. i need her to fucking grow up. i want her to be there in my life. i want to fucking grow up. i want to be strong. i want to be awesome. i want her to be with me when im awesome. i want her to be awesome.

she's an idiot. aval raavile mutal fbyil irikkuvarunnennu. but msg idan vayya. what does tht mean? she doesnt want me around. reason entumakatte. what she doesnt know, is tht i'd been up at 8.30, and was online till 10. ennittu ammumma ambalathil kondupoyi. obviously, ambalahtil ninnu online aakan pattillallo. huge communication gap between us. and she's a coward who doesnt knwo what she wants. chumma pareva valya ishtamanennokke. atra ishtamarunnel she'd fight for me. enikkavald efeelings manasilakunnilla ennu parennu. well, MAKE me, then. njan open aanennu avalkkariyam. ennittum onnum parayate, kaanate, oru communicationum illate hw the fuck does she expect me to understand whts goin on in her mind? she still thinks she;s doing sarath a favour by being in his life. wrong. u shudn be this close unless ur in a relationship. ata oolakku ithu vare mansilayittila. esp if the boy in question is a moron.[im talking abt sarath, u idiot]. now i've made it clear tht i want to be in a relationship. she cant even figure out if she wants to. crying about the situations do not get us anywhere. acting upon it does. since its still unclear to me if she has fixated on amith, enikkum onnum urappikkan pattunnilla.i DO want to spend my life with her. and im not a moron.i dont want to give up, but i need to knwo tht she doesnt either. coz a relationship tht's one sided wont last long. writing about it in blogs is a gud way to get it off the chest, but its nto as good as properly tellin the person.

van

van comedy. randalkkar. angottumingottum bhayankara ishtam. so much that they both think they're nto going to take an initiative, and think that the other one is better off without them. ithoru cinemayakkiyarunnel bhayankara entertainign aarunnene. oh there's more. both of them are idiots. and cowards. they both post it in blogs so that the other person can read it. so technically both of them know what the other person is thinking, and still dont act upon it. its now a competition of who's the bigger idiot by not doing anything.

ippo thonnunnu i'd made the right call by not mailing her. as expecdted, avalkk ithu mundopttu konduponamenn valiya aagrhamilla. she's just hidign behind ridiculous excuses. dance pediyanennu. ennelum manasilakum mandatarama parayunne ennu. ennelum manasilakum kaanichukoottunna silly things. njan ee kaanikkunnathum athu thanne. enthu vannalum blog. enikk avalde koode jeevikkuvanel antassayittu stylil confident aayittu venam. avalum anganakanamenne aagrahamullu. njan ende kaaryam sheriyakkan tudanguva. aval cheytal nallatarunnu.. ithu vare valya prateekshakku vaakyonnumilla.. sheriyakuvarikkum. ah kathirunnu kanam.

i unerstand. u feel violated, and cheated. nidne feelings oru vilayumillate veroiralude munil ittallo ennu. thts not how it happened. just casual talk aarunnu. that seemed to be the safest option i cud tell him. so i told him.ninde kashtakalathil chirikkanonnumalla.. i told him just as regular friends do.. like in the veins of naaniye tariqine vahcu pokkunnatho, enne vanamadichappo pidichatho, sahcine thundu kandappopokkiyatho pole... its a part of growing up. athonnum aaru atra kaaryamakkilla. allathe ninne vishamippikkanam, nidne secrets ellarudem munnil kottighoshikkanam ennonnumillarunnu. aa kaaryam just light aaye avatarippichullu.. pinne orthorthu chirikkan pattiya college anubhavangal pole. allathe athidne true seriosuness endem nidnem idayil bhadram.
ithu mail cheyyathe blog cheyyunnathu nee ippo kaananda nnu vachu thanna. as usual, enikk justify cheyyathe vayya. but nidne sidinnu ee relation save cheyyan oru ithum kandilla.. it was as if u dnt care to even resolve a fight. as usual. i dont know. somehow, i feel our relation is going to hell. and avan. i hate that son of a bitch now. etra issues undelum i had a hope inside me tht nxt year njangal patch up aakumarikkumennu. he obviosuly din think so. he removed me, and then avan ninnodu sollan poyekkunnu. njan mandan.he doesnt want me, fine, i dont want him in my life.ithokke ariyam ennittum nee ippozhum avanodu valiya friendly aanennum enthokkeyanelum avanumayi tudarumennu tarappichu parayukem ellam kude cheytappo i dunno, io guess i feel unwanted. or made a fool. i dunno. entho. athonda mail diathe. i dun want to be the guy who walks after someone and begs for a relationship, if the other person doesnt want it..ninakk vendayenkil fine. enikkum venda. ene kaiyinnu ini oru initiation prateekshikkanda.

still miss her.. a lot. actually kure painkili aayi.. ahtu kazhinjappo kurachaswasam vannu.. clgil poyappo entenillata oru nashtabodham.. enikk thanne idakkide naanam varunnunndarunnu, btu sumtyms its better to be silly than to hold it bak.. kure neram avalde rominde janalinde thazhe poyirunnu.. viswasichalum illelum idakkide avalavidunnu ethi nokkunna pole ulla images minnuvarunnu kannil..aa curtain maati, net paadu pettilakki maatti, ethi kuthiyulla nottom, enne kanumbozhulla aa chireem, ende daivame,.... enikk vattu thanne. xam pullarunnu, examanennu polum thonniyilla. chumma poyi, cheythu irangi.. ennitt chumma c blkil poyi.. stairsinde avide irunnu.. kurachadhikam missing vannappo avaide chuvaril nannuvaava ennezhuthi.. ormayundel adutha semil avale kaanikkanam, avalividillarunnappo ende veeragadhakal..:P nannayi miss cheyyunnud.. but aval oru contactumilla.. entanavo nadakkunne.. santoshamarikkum.. santoshikkatte.paavam ende vaava.

nalla interesting oru kaaryam, eppo blog eduthalum sarathine pattim okke ezhutanam ennu vekkum, but entho ezhuti varumbo ezhutan thonnilla... njan nannakuvano? atho just avalividillathende vishamamo? aarkkariyam. ende nannu, vaava miss u a hell lot.

avalitu vare vilichilla... entho.. fone pedichu pedichonnu vilichu.. cut cheyyumo pinne vilikkatirikkumo enupedich.. but switch off.athu kandppo entho, strangely bhayankara aswasam. pinne idakkide vilikkuva.. switch off thanne.. avalkk venamennu vechal sukhamayi contactil aakavunnathe ullu. like fone onakkam charge teernnal.. allenkil  aarudelum foninu tym kittumbo oru miss idavunnate ullu.. ellam cheyyam enna atra atyavashyamanel.. so apparently atra atyavashyamalla.. i shud be ifne with that.. enikku venel argue cheyyam she aval ingananallo angananlloo ennokke, but pointilla. and oru relationshipil angottum ingottum respect venam. i shud knwo tht she loves me. tht shud be enuf. alenkil pinne oru matiri prashnamakum... like in mithunam. reality vittu pokum, and also , enikk kittiyennum varilla avale.. appo oombaruth.. avalum.i have to see this as an oppurtunity to adapt. but i miss her terribly.. and if she doesnt, im being an idiot.sarathiunu pattiyath.. ennu vechu njan avale kuttapeduthilla.. paavam. she has been thru hell this sem. ende koode. granted, kure okke avalde kaiyilruppa.. but then again... aah. che ennealum vilichirunnenkil ennoru asha.

vaava vilichilla.. alpam vishamam thonnunu.. eppozhelum onu vilikkuvo message iduvo cheyyarunnu.. but then again, avalingana.. athil onnum kaanikkanda.. entho... vishamam ullondarikkum, allel avale njan vicharichelum kooduthal snehikkunnudnarkkium, allel at least sarathinu kittatha oru stalatanallo enna aaswasmaaarikkum, entho.. ee vishamam sahikkam. pakshe manassinnu pokunne illa.. enthalochichalum avalde mukham thanna orma varunne..itenta ingane? its just fr 2 months, and anyway, itellam balishamalle? cinemelokkeyalle niraashakaamukanmarullu? njan practical alle? enta enikkingane... kalla panni... manassil keri taamsichekkunnu..  enthu cheyyukkeyarikkumo aavo... achendem ammedem idakku randu perem ketti pidichu kidakkuvano entho.. ende daivame, avalkk nallathu varuthane.. samadhanam kodukkane paavathinu.

kaaryam nallla silly aanu, soappyumnu., but innu muzhuvan end emanasil avalarunnu.. orkkathirunna aakeyulla samayam ennu vechal urangipoyappozha.. entho, oru valiy ashoonyata pole.. nannuvillathe irikkumbo entho oru incompleteness.avalitu vare vilichilla.. pala tavan mutti angottu vilikkan, but vendannu vechu. entelum kaaranam kaanum.. mikkavarum achande koode aayondarikkum.ennalum oru message polumittillallo ennoru cheriya vishamam. ah potte, avaldachane avalkk nalla pediyanennenikkariyam. chumma oro risk edukkanda ennu vecharikkum.. aarkkariyam, ippo aval trainil irunnu alanalloorkku pokuvarikkum. and if im lucky, enne kurichu thannarikkum aalochikkunne.. innu veedu vrithiyakkuvarunnu ellarum. enikkentho oru onnum cheyyan thonnata avastha..idakkangottum vayyatakumbo enittu poyi oronnu cheythu ennallathe oru koppum cheythilla.. muzhuvan sofayilarunnu.che, ival important aarunnennariyarunnu. itrakkundakumenn icharichilla..ende vaave, neeyillathe enikku pattilleda.. ninakkum angananenoru prateekshayundu.. vilkkumarikkum. im waiting.

oru yudham thotta mattu. ive never been more dejected or tired in my whole life. nd the news tht i had been fighting a futile war, is even more disheartening. paavam ende vaava, aake vattakunnundu avalkk. ennittum avalitrem pidichu nikkunnu. avan vidilla, avanorikkalum vidilla. avalentoke ennodu paranjalm avan vittunikkilla.athu avande maatram alla,avalkkum ishtama. avalkkariyilla pakshe ennum avan ingane thannarikkum. avalkk freedom undayirunnilla, ippo undayittum enjoy cheyyunnilla.. epozhum avande kona. athu avakkentu maatram vishamam undakkunnundennu oohikkam, kallapanni etu maatram aagrahikkunnundarikkum avan onnarinju ninnarunnel ennu.. avanathu cehyyilla.. avanathu pattilla.enikkonnu cheyyanumilla, enikkake cheyya pattunnath ende sidinnu onnum avalkk vishamam undakatirikkan nokkamenne ullu.athinu njan kure vittu kalayendiirikkunnu.innu thanne avalkk talavedanayayi njan hostelil kondu vittatha, appo avan urakke vilichu koovi vilichondu poyi.. doore ninnu njan kandu avan valde talayil tadavunne.. initially indignant aayirunnelumpinne orthu, avalkkawswam kaanum.. allel avalonnumparayattatarikkum.. iniyippo athonnumall, avalkkishtamanelum njanonnm parayilla... shrity innu paranja pole, avano njano avalkkaranennu urappilla,.. appo enikk cheyyamennullatha avanum njanum equalanennu accept cheyyuke ullu.. avanum appo avale aswasippikkanum sahayikkanum kondu nadakkanum equal adhikaarama ulle.. athu njan manasilakkanam.anganakumbo enikk onnum parayendei varilla. parayan thonnilla.innu shrity paranju ningade idayil ettavum stress undakunne avalkkarikkumennu. oro actionum maullayale enganokke affect cheyyumennu nokkiye cheyyan pattoo ennokke..enikkathu kettappo nalla vishamamayi.. enikkende vaava santoshamayittirunna mathi.. atende koodanelum avande koodeanelum. avande kaaryathil enikkonnum cheyyan pattilla, ataval manassilakkanam. athinu enikk prarthikkamennallathe ippo paranju odukkan polum pattilla... ende kushumb aanenne thettidharikkoo.. ennittu avalkk talavedanem varum.itrem naal njan aalochichirunnu, kurachokke vishamam undakumenkilum kaaryam paranju kodukkano, atho vishamam aakate ullil vechekkano ennu, avasanamoombanulla purappadanelum.atinuttaram kitti. kaaryamparanju koduthal entanelum vishamikkum..mattetanel avasaname ariyoo, appo entakumennu parayanum pattilla.. appo atalle nallathu? ariyilla..entanlumonnariyam, ende vaava vishamikkarthu.. athinu enikkake cheyyan pattunnath onnumkandilla kettilla ennu angu vakkanam..avanavae nokkum. athinu avalayittu avandhikkaram koduthata.. i hav to respect that..orikklum ithu parayumennu vechathalla.. entho, atarikkum oru yudham thottu, rajyam poya oru raajavinde mattu..hmm.. ento chiri varunnu... eeyideyayi epozhumingana vishamam vannu kanninnu niranju olichu iranguvanelum chiri varuva.. potti potti chiri.. vattakuvano entho.vimhansil ini nikkumpokendi varumarikkum.. annu kondu pokan polumarumillarikkum. bhagyam enikksplit personality aayath doctorumpatientum njan thanne allarunnel oombi poyene.hmm..enta tamashikkan thonnune? ah vishamikkanullath maximum aayi...otta oralkkum ishtamalla, angottumingottum ishtamulla aaline manassu turann snehikkanum patunnilla.. ini house koodi broadcast nirthiyal poornam :P
ende vaave nee enikk jeevanada.. nee santoshikkkan njan entum cheyyum. njan etra oombittanelum. oombikkanpattunnavare oombichitanelum.nee ende jeevanada pattikootare.

ucchakkalte santosham poyi
athu naturala. oru manikoor kondonnum sheiyakilla.
aval msg ittarunnu.
enikkariyam enta nadanne ennu. karyam para.
atenta ariyathille?
athu type cheyyumbo ninakkode clear aakum.
ah.entho aa msg roomilethittu vilikkamennu.
appo?
ippo avande koode nadakkuvalle?
athe. athu njan uchakke paranjilarunno?
pinnentina avalenne vilikkkunne?
avalkk ninne ishtayondu
anganarunnel avande koode innu kaanichathonnum kaanikkillarunnu.
anganayathodna aval ninde koode kaanikkunnathokke kaanicckunne. nee entina avnde koode kaanikkunnat maatram nokkunne?
its offending
cut the crap. ninakkippo enta vende?
aval onnu pick cheyyanam.ennne jeevanannu paranjittu avnde koode kazhikkan pokuka ennu vechal?
ennu vechal pazham.nd about picking, hasnt she made it clear tht she will not do that?
yes
and angane situation vannal aval ottakku pokumennu?
hmm
avalkatu varanamennu nee aagrahikkunno?
illa
pinne?
ahh.. ippo fone vilikkamennu parnjappo i felt like ende bharya veroruthanumayi affair nadathiyittu avidunnu fone vilichu "honey, veettil vannittu kaaname" ennu parenna pole.
aa upama ishtapettilla. ur becoming cheap
i know
ah sheiryakkam. and venel ingane aalochichal mathi, aval bharya aanenkil she's with a colleague, and they
are working on some project together, and she thought about u, and msgd u telin u tht she loves u.
illa, tht wudve been "vaaave, xam nalllatarunnu.. vaavenodu samsarikkanam. "alla.. actly miss cheytarunnel avalenne avide veche vilichene.
ah. ok. enna msis cheythilla, aval just formally paranjata.
hmmm
avale kuttam parayan pattilla. avalkk ne pandathe pole samadhanam kodukkunnilla. enthokke allanu parjnalum ningad idayil issues undu, athondu thanna pandathe pole aa sneham illathe.
she denies tht
not the point. avalkk kaanikkan aagrhaamillarikkum.
ah ini fone vilikkumbo entu parenam. i fel wierd.
ninde kaiyyila.
ur not helping.enikkento itu manasil evchondu snehathode samsarikkna pattilla.
hmm. wait, aalochikkatte.
??? u r myself.
athona paranje. dnt type anything. onnalochikkate.
...........?
ok. nammak therapy cheyyam. be honest and tell her ur having urself undergo therapy. avalodu oronnum describe cheyyan para, enthokke cheythu,avanenthokke parnaju ennokke
aval thettidharikkum
ah side effects. but avalenthu parnjaalum nee manassil athine ok aanennu avruthiteerkkanam.
but..
sheriyallenkil polum. itellarudem perceptionde differenca. avalde anglil ninnu nokkumbo thettallarikkum avalkk.but athinu samsaram undakuvanel ningade samadhanm pokathe ullu. ur reln is already damaged. athine tirichu kondu varande? dont u love her enuf to do that?
yes.
hmm.. appo ippo itu chey
aval ithu vare vilichilla.. 1 kal manikkor kazhinju.
hmm.. avande okke kooda. athonda.
hmm
good good. nee vere onnum oparennilla. :P
:P
be happy.
i'll try.
thts a start. :)

nikk calm urself.enta prashnam?
avalavande koode poyi irikunnu.. aval parennu just padippikkana pokne ennu.
appo?
aah. avakkoru koppum ormayillenna parnaje.. pinnenthu myru padippikkan?
nee sheirkkum viswasikkunnundo aval athina poye ennu?
illa
pinne?
obviously aval avanumayi attached aanenathu kond avande koode irikkune ishtamarikkum
hm. atenta putiya news aano?
alla. but myranalla, avalkk maaari koode/
athundakillennu ninakkariyille?
:(
aval thanne kure vattam paranjata avalavane vidilla ennu. athu manasilakkanulla sheshi venam ninakk.
enikk vayya. entina njan adjustunne
da aval anganokke parem. chilappo genuinely avalkk ninneyarikkum koodutal ishtam.but nee athu talayilettaruthu.sarath angane cheythu,
avan oru basumillata cheyhte
aarikkam, doesnt matter. ninakk base undu. ennit valla vyatyasaomundo? neeyum avane pole thanne chumma bahalamundakkuvalle.. at least, avalkkanganale thonnan pokunnullu?
ariyilla, aval orikkalum thonnilla ene parayarullu
ah atavalde nature. but normal aalkkarkk thonnunnathita :che.. avano inganarunnu. de ivanum oru vyatyasavumillallo" ennu
myru. i hate evrything
dont. nidne samayom, manasamadhanom pokum atre ullu.
pinne?avan paranja kaaryam, avand ebahrya veroralude koode irikkunna state. athu kaananam. at least avaningane contradiciting perosnality illallo, randu side argue cheyyan.
ah. but athullondu gunamalle?
enthu gunam? enikk free aayi express cheyyan polum pattunnilla. eppozhum udane chitna pokum njan parayunne thettalle ennu.. all out aayi bahalamundakkan polum pattunnilla.
atu kondu thanna myre avalkk ninne koodutal ishtam
parayunnatalle ullu
parayunnudnallo? avanodangane parayarilallo?
paranjitiingane cheyyunnata koodutal vishamam.
2 arguements:1] pinne parayate cheyyano?2]atavade natura. avalk angane vere aarem vittu kalayan apttilla.. nee pandathu manasilakkiyirunnu. athu kodnu thanna nee ippo evidano avidethiye
yea, sofayil xamidne thalennu oru vattane pole angottumingottum argue cheyyunnu.
fine. aval nidne sidinnu nokkumbo [note:nidne sidinnu nokkumbo]kurachokke thetta cheyyunne. aval ingane angu avande koode nillakrut. but atavalde natura.. ninalkkataccept cheythu ninnukoode? cant u be the bigger man?
ah
listen. u r the gud guy. nee at least manasilakkan nokkunnund. ee argue cheyyanulla manas thann nidne strength.avanathilla. athondu thanna avanippo enganano angane.
u mean enthokke cheythittum aval koode undu.
thts bs. its ur jealousy talking.
koppa
fuck u. no one's perfect. avalde kaiyilum othiri thettundu. nidne kaiyilumund. avand ekaiyilumundu. suck it up. life i fucking short. u cud either be fucked, or u cud fuck. eta vende?
........
hmm. listen. avale avalde pattinu vidu. let her do what she wants.her life, her choices. u shud be able to let her be..tht is one thing he cudnt achieve.avalkk avane padippikkano? padipikkate.. nadakkano? nadakkatte.. vilikkano?vilikkatte.. just be happy. its her life. not urs.avalk nidne koode samayam chilavidano? idatte. ninne snehikkano? cheyatte. let ehr do whatver she wants. athu vechu avalk maatramall , ninakkum nallate varu. its not just gud for her, its gud for u. stop thinking so much about her. sumtyms love is about letting go. ennum inganano? ingane pokatte.. ini ennelum aval avane kalanjittu varumo? angane... kalayille? angane. take life as it comes to u, dont chase unnecessary things. i assure u, u'll both live a happy life. u have a chance to be happy. y fuck it up? ini, inganathe situations varumbo ithorkkanam. plus, appo pettennu cope cheyyanull kure exercises njan paranju taraam. okay? feel gud?
hmm.
dont worry. u'll be perfect in no time. now call her up, and say these words:
nenjidikkunnu
saramilla. its a first step.say these words: "di. i feel shitty.nee avne padippikkan pokunnu ennu kettapo enikk vishamamyi..btu njan marum... athu ninak vendi maatramall, enikk vendi koodiya. enikk santoshikkanam. nd i prefer athu ninde koode aanenkil. nee ishtamullat cheyy. cheyyanam.ninde lyfa.athu njan manasilakkum.coz i just dnt luv u. i luv myself too.have fun. xam kazhinju njan vilikkam."
just that? explain onnum cheyyanda how i felt?
let it be.
hmm
have fun man. later.

che itinu mobile appo vallom undarunnel.. ithippo manikkorinu manikoorinupost cheyyanda gatiyaanllo.ippo msg vannu. aval avane padippikkan povannu. 1]avakku nere chovve ariyilla.2]aval pokanda oru karyomilla. pokatirikkananel orupadum.. ende daivame, ende feelingsinu oru vilayumille. potte, saadharana situation aanel potte, njan itrem confusedum nashamayum irikuvannulla ocnsideration vachu avakk innekilum varilla ennu parayan pattillarunno?innalem kudi enthokkeyo parajatalle?oru adi kazhinju. athinnu at least recover cheyyan samayam thannu koode? entoru naashama, ende daiavme aa tayoli onnu poyi, she.. engana parenne.. ho ini urappa ee blog vaayichal pinne njanum avalum thammil oru bandhom kaanilla.i hate my fucking life. i hate it.onnum padikkunnumilla. she, entoru naashama ellam.i wish i cud go back in time, onnum kaanukem kelkkukem vendarunnu. nashicha stalam.i hate it.oooooooooooh, pdp munnilirikkunnu.. angere poyi onnu thallikollan thonnunnu. ennittu mudipidichu valichu roadil koodi odanum.

ee relation nalla unstable aakunnundu.aarude thetta? ariyilla. vadikkuvanel parayam avaldem avandemanennu. btu angane parayan pattilla.. ende bhagathum nalla thettundu. ellam takidam mariyunnu.. innale vendatathu kure paranju. enikk thanne ennodu verupp thonni.. oronnu parembozhum ullilinagne varunnundu.. ayye ne eitra cheap aano ennu. kashtam ennu.avalkkum atu thonni ennu thonnunnu.. thonnunu ennu paranjathinu kaaranam innale aval appo paranjenkilum pinne maatti paranju. but avalde appozhthe nottam vechu enikk viswasamarunnu puchamanennu.. anganae thonniyal athishayam illa.. oru matiri, i was the embodiment of everything tht ws crappy and pitiful.chumma kure anavashyom paranj, avide kidann, oru matiri kachara. im soon beocming what i always fear.. endammo....enikkorkkan koode vayya orkkan koodi. ettom vishamam ulllath, ee njan thettu cheythu ennu parembozhum another voice in my head stubbornly says, sherikkum? nee sayamalle paranj ennu.. im at war with myself. :( i certainly wish tht he wud go away from my life, but thts not going to happen. so migth as well adjust to it.. pakshe enikkaval avane ippozhum thangunne kaanumbo entho oru ithu.. che che....aayyyyooooooooo... iwant to run away.
innale aval paranjappozha njan veroru kaaryam register cheyyunne. njan vittu kalenna kaaaryam othiri parennundu.. athu njan [araayunne avalde santoshathina, ellarudem nallathina enna. but sherikkum aano? enikk kaanan vayyathondalle? athu maatramall, kurachokke parayunnathum undu, but yes, i guess koodutal enikk vayyathodna ennu... myre, ennu tudangiyeda ingane thonnan?aa pennu verum tankama, and she loves u with her heart. manassilakkan vayyatha patti. ninakkonnum avale kittarutarunnu.ayyyyooooo/... de ullinnu pinnem matte shavam, stubborn bastard.po pullee nik kelkkanda.. enikk avale jeevana. entu vannalum njan vidukem illa. enthokke paraynundo in ellam ithi mathi. so what, she likes him. she loves u more, kurachenkilum.. cant u fuckin live with it? fuck urself if u cant. valya dialogue okke adikkane kollu.enthu kodno american pieyile dialogue orma varunu.."i'd rathe rbe a teeny tiny aprt of ur life, than not be in it at all".. athu veno? ennum ingae prashnangal kaanum, ennum ingane tannarikkum.. dont care. avalundu. its worth it. blow urself if u think otherwise. fucker.

avakkenne jeevanokkeya.. eppozhum parayunnundu. okay. enna pinne onnu mattethu cheytalenta.athu venam ennu vechu cheyunathu potte, innu nadann pole okke nadakkumbo enkilum cheyyille? atoru obvious thing alle relationil? innu fone vilichappo njan nannyi desperate aanennu manasilakkiyarunnu.. ennittu illa ennu parnjappo njan ah sheri,oru matiri dejected aaya persone pola fone veche, like i had resigned to it. athu manassilaakkiyal vishama vannenkilum aval mail cheyyillarunno?njan satyayum vicharichu cheyyumarikkumennu.. alla, vicharichill,a vicharikkan pediyarunnu, entannu vechal oru sidil kudi ingane parayunnundu, illa avl cheyyilla chumma njan prteekshichu oombuke ullu ennu.appo thanne vannu check cheyyan thonniyata, btu pinne pediayayondu cheythilla. ippo vannunokkiyappo ayachittilla.. aadyame prepared aarunnondu atra vishama thoniyilla, ennalum oru kuthal. avalkkenne enthu maatram ishtama? njan atra desp aayitta paranje enu manassiayille? atho aayittum swantam kaaryamnokki arinjilla ennu ninnatano?njana djust cheyyum. ennu vechu athu mutaledukkuvano?like" she... enikku cheyyanda.. but avanu vishamamakumallo.. ende daivame.. ah pote, avanu manasilayikolum..deshyam onnum varillarikkum" ennokke aarikum vicharikunne.. satyama, enikkippodeshyam varunnilla.. entho ellam "ah" ennu paranju angu vidane thonnunnullu.. sneham kuranjo? ey illa.. snehamullondu thannarikkum. ah potte. vittukala.inim ingane othiri situations varum prepared aarikkanam.
im determined to be happy.

ee chumma irikkumbo kalippu varunnathu valiya prashnamakuva..chummatirunnu aalochichu tudangumbo pinne nirthan pattilla.. ithu valom avalodu paryan pattumo? paavam.. onnamate aake vishamichirikkuva njan avale ittittu pokumo ennokke parnaju.. njan pandathe pole samdhanathinde symbolalla ippo.. appo pinne inganem kude paranjal poorthiyayi.but etra pettenna aval kaaryam mattunne.. enikkormayundu dance kalichappo paranjathu.. ithu kazhinju venel muzhuvanayittu vittekkamennu.. pinne paranju da avan irunnu karayunnu, engana muzhuvanayittu vidunne ennu, pinne avande koode hang out aayi.. eppo chodichalum parem aarelum koodundennu, ottakkallalo ennu.pinne ottakkirikkan tudangi..chodikumbo parem padippichu kodukkuvalle athilenta itra thettennu.. ippo da oru kaaryamillathe avanoppam karnagi nadakkukem.. kaaryam just h blk vare poyi entho vaangaiyate ullu, but athu symboloze cheyyunnathu?athu poranju ennodu fight cheyyukem avane support cheythu.. ennodu, avane support cheythu.. engana njan ithu sahikkande? vishamam thonnunnathu thettano? njan mandanakuvalle? ippo thanne, avanaurunne ende statnathenkil ithu vallom sammatikkuvarunno? appo aval parem athu kodnu thanna enne koodutal ishtam ennu... ennittu?avanum nannayi enjoy cheyunundallo? eppo venelum count cheyyanayi aval koodundennu thannalle avanurapp?> enta avan miss cheyyunne? eppozhum koodillennalle ullu? athippo ende koodano eppozhum? alla.. ini avande koode bikil evidelum pokathende kuravoode ullu. athum njan aduthu thanne bhaviyil kaanunnu.. avanonnum nashtapettittilla..ennitum avan bahalam vekkunnu.aval parennu njana jeevan njana jeevan ennu.. entuva uddeshickunne?njan parennathonnum kelkkarilla.. kaaryam silly mattersanu, but ippo pazhay pole mukham moodarilla, hospitalila pokamennu parnjal cheyyilla, blog ezhutan paranjal cheyyilla,express cheyyan paranjal cheyyilla, avanodu samparkkam othiri pulartathe, njan uncomfortable aanennu paranjal polum cheyyilla.poranju adiyidukem cheyyum, making me feel stupid abt myself..
wow, kure kuttam parennundallo/ do u actually like her?? of course, enikka nala ishtam thanna, but family memebers aanel polum, say swantam aniyathiyanelum ingane oronnu kaattumbo eershya thonnarille.. athu pole ullu. doesnt mean i dnt love her..kazhutayoud paranjal mansilakkathumilla.. chumma vishamikkum..kaaryam sheriya, vere aalkkarodu personal kaaryngal parayaruthu, atenikkipozha manasilaye. ho ee blog illarunnel.
endammo enikkorkkan koodi vayya ennelum avalee blog kaanuvanelulla avastha..urappa annu ittitti pokan planokke idum.hmmm...
aah, i feel better already. aarodelum parayande thonnunnathu.di nannu, no offense to u, ita njan paranje chila kaaryangal vere aarodelumo, evidelumo paryanam ennu..manasilayo?

innu kure karanju.. vere sambhavangal okke orth.avalundayirunnu supportayi. avale kodnavuna reetiyil.paavam nannayi kashtapedunnund. aval swayam thanne idakkide break aakunnata, njanarunnu support. innu njan oombithalli, kashtam, paavam ende nannu..avale innum kure vishamippichu.stiram kaaryangal. sarathumayi aval samparkkam pularthunne entho enikkishtapedunnilla... asooya thanne aakanm, entennal kettidatholam avanippo adhikam prashnangal undakkarilla. ennalum aval aavashyamillathe avande koode chutti nadakkunnu ennariyumbo oru vallayma, ottakku basementilo, evidelumo, allel h blkilo, allel fonil kure samsarichennu kettalo okke.che, enta najningane? uttaram simpleaa. avalendeya ennulla thonnal. athu thettano? alla, aval thanne paranjatalle? athondu thanne njan avanil ninnu vyatyastanalle? myru, enikk aa paavathine ini vishamipikanda, ende nannu paavam.avale njan thanne mure kashtapeduthi. avalkk avane ishtama... enikkathu manasilakkan pattille? avalenneyalle eppozhum vilikkunne? ennodalle konjunne? of course, avan collegil poyirunnel valare nallatarunnu, but pokatha sthithikk avanivide thanne kaanum. avalkkanel avane kalayanum vayya. otta vazhiye njan kaanunnullu. ende nannu thanna. athorthu samdhanikkuka.enthu kandalum kandilla ennu nadikuka, nadikkan pattunnatanel.so what, avalalpa neram avdne kude karangi.. so what, aval njanillatappo avand ekoode kazhikkan poyi.. friendalle? classmatalle? normal. vittukala. i shud be concetrating instead on how to woo her. kure paisa undakkanam.. ennitantassayi avale vilichirakkanam.. avade backgroundokke chilappo veettil prashnamayekkam, but nalla standardil thanne aanenkil prateeksha undu.
eda kalla, ipo thanne, aval naale varunnaoru cheriya plan udnarunnu.. abadhathilenganum avan drop cheyyam ennu vallom paranju aval vannalo ennu pedichu varanda ennu paranju.. kallapanni... sorry.da, atrakkonnum ippo vayya kaanan.:P sorry machu.

ayyyooooo vattakunnee...... enikkenta kaaryngal let go cheyyan pattathe/ nanunu njan jeevana.. pinnenta prashnam?? entho. enikkeppozhum samsarikkanam, samsarichu prashnangal solve cheyyanam.. but avalkk samsrikkanda.. chilappo exma ullondarikkum, allel chilappo uncomfortable aarikkum.. entanelum avaleppozhum ozhinju maaruva.. ithu avalodu paranja avakku vishamamakum.. vere aarodum enikku parayanda, athava paranjalum avakku vishamamkum.. enna pinne, patti, ninakku thanne manassilakki ennodu nannyonnu samsarichu koode// nee samsarikkate ozhinju maarumbo koodutal vishamom ediyuma ninakkende koodulla comfortabe level kruayuvano ennu... alla, kurayuval ennurappa.. njanenta ingane ennum. endmamo, enganokke ninne santoshippichirunnavan... ippo kando.. athinu kaaranm neeyano/ alla... all, ichiri.. alla.. neeyalledi... ellam situationala.. myru... ayyyyyyyyooooooooooooo

thettano thettano? njaningane okke aalochikkunnathu thettano/?? ee relationil enikkano upperhand/ ? atenthu knda/? avalkkum ayikoode?
enthokkeyo.... ithu valom avalodu parayn pattumo? 1] avalkku vishamamkum.2] ennilulla viswasam nashtapedum.ende nannu njanake vattayio irikkuvadi. njan sarathinnu differenta.. avan nidnaduthu deshaym kaanikkum.. njan kaanikkillalllo.. alle? entho ee chodyam njan ennodu chodikkunan pole.. athe. njan sarathalla. alla alla alla. im much better than him. alle?  ennelum nee ithu vaayikuvanel vishamam thonanruthu.. ouru gunomillathonda ninnodu parayanje.. naaniyodum parayilla.. ninakku vishamam tararuthenne ullu. okkuvanel santoshom..da enikakriyilla,... nee aarodum , nd i mean amith nd sarath, nammude kaaryam parayathe pedi kondano? onnu ninde peru cheetha aakumennum. pinne ini ellam kottighoshichu kazhinjittu nadannillello ennum? aaakane ennanende prarthana.. allathe, enthu kondo ninakkenne kaal sarathu important aanennum atennodu parayanulla vishamam kondu vallomanenkil ayyoooooo.... aalochikkan koodi vayya. amithinde karyathil exception aakam.. aa casil confused aakam. amith aano njanano enn.. but da, sarathine kaaryathil nee enne pinthallalle.....
che itvalodu paranjal aval vicharikkum "daivame, avasanathe tvaikolayirunna aadiyum ingananllo... ellam manassilakkunn aarum ee lokathille ennu" da njan ninde snehathine question cheyyuvalla... oru pedi.. atreyullu.ata njan idakkide parayunne koodutal expres cheyy expres cheyy ennu... id prefer nee njan parayathe thanne cheythirunnekile ennu... make me feel safer.. but entho nee kaanikkunnilla... sorry da muthe.. i know maybe njna chumma kaadu keruva.. nee tirichu chodikkumarikkum nee ini enta cheyyande ennu... enikkuttramailla... enikakriyathumilla enta enikkinganokke thonnuunne ennu... chilappo njan paranjille, onum ofifcial aakathodnarikkum.aa woru word kittathodnarikkum... enthumakamennu stithi aayondarikkum. ende nanu ithinonnum enne verukkalle.... ithu vallom nee arinjal enikku vayya, ende ella imagum pokum.

i think im gettin to the root cause of our troubles. enikku aa pedi undu.. atavalkku manasilakunnumilla..undenkil thanne enthu cheyyanamennariyilla. enikku pedia entinennu chodichal official aayittu njanavalde aarumalla.. sarathin aayirunna polo, amith aayirikkunna polo... njangade idiayil njan valiya sambhavamarikkum, but veliyil aarumalla... athu veliyil arinjal aarum manasilakkanamennumilla.. satyama.
i'll elaborate.
enthu kondo eppozhum enikku sarath ennal oru matiri competition aanu. competition alla, threat aanu. aval pinnem pinnem parayunnu alla ennu.. idakkokke njanum viswasikkum, but aval nadannathonnum nadannittilla enna mattil pinnem avanodoppam nilkkumbo entho oru bhayam ullil. avanullappo enikkavale nokkan pattilla.. athu nerathe paranjittullata.. aval avan care cheyyan varumbo nikkukem cheyyum.. ende manassilellam appo she nanu ingottu vaa enna.. but aval [atariyate, avalde vicharam ithonnum kaaryamallenna] varatirikkumbo manassu pidayum.. basically, yes enikku aval eppozhum entinum varunn aalaakanam ennundu... avalenikkum.  njan sarathil ninnum vyatyastanannu... avan aggresiive aayituu avale possess cheyyumarunnu... njan passive aayittagrahickum. njan passive aanu. athe ullu njangal thammil vyatyasam... god, orikkalum njanavane polakaruthe.
ah, entho, ullil oru feeling aval onnum vendatra kaaryamakkrille ennu. appo thanne maru chodyam... ellamangane kaaryamkkiyal enthuva rasam/?serious aayi serious aayi.... jeevitam adichu polikkanullatalle? enikkathu pattanamenkil officially enikkurappakanam avalde manassil ente stanam entanennu... pinne sarathinum.. at least, kurach. entho avanariyunnu ennu aalochickkumbo enikku aa oru authority varunnu.. atavalkku manasilakunno entho..
ella casilum njananu insider.. ellamariyunna, rahasyangal purathu parayan pattatha aal. appo worst casil enikku maatrame ariyoo entokke parallel universe nadakkarunnennu... ippo aval amithine kettiyal njanum avalume ariyoo njangalkku ingane oru future undakarunnennu... amith ariyilla, ayalkku vishamavumakilla.. athinartham ayal vishamikkanamennalla... ippo entho enikku oru major disadvantage ulla pole.. appo choydam, njan avalde best friendalle/ itrem supportivum understandingum aayondalle njangal aduthathu thanne? njan arinju nikkande? maruchodyam... atra intimate aakanamenkila thilentho ille/? enikkathinulla rhata ille? uttaramillatha kure chodyangal... avald ekoottu uttaram parayathe ozhinju maaran pattiyirunnenkil ennagrahickkunna etrayo naalukal.. pakshe pattilla, enikkuttarangal kittiye pattu, knappu. uttaram tarandatavalum.
oru kaaryam maatram clear. avale nashtapedaruthu. enthu kondo, enganeyo mansssil keri koodi poyi. ende nannu.

kure naalayi post cheythittu... kure sambhavangal nadannu.. kure jeevitangal maari. itra cheriya kaalayalavil itrem nadakkamennu ottum prateekshichilla. pakshe prateekshikkatathu nadannalalle jeevithathinoru rasamullu? nadakkan pokunnataraiyamenkil jeevikkunnethil enthu rasam/
ah athu potte, innu tudangiyathu nalla divasamayittarunnu. nannuvumayi ange attathe sneham.avasanam pakshe kondu kalamudachu. avalkkippozhum sarathine marakkano distancil nirthano vayya... ippozhum aniyane pole kood kondu nadakkuva.. avan branth abhinayichatanu... avalippozhum avane protect cheyyunnu. atarunnu innathe tarkkavishayam. tarkkamalla, oru sambhaashanam. oru reetiyil nokkiyal aval cheyyunnathil thettilla.. avanalpam support venam.. atavalde kaiyyinu kittiyale avanu samadhanamaku. pakshe koodutalum bhaagathu ninnu nokkumbol thetu thanneyanu.alla, thettall,,, pakseh sheriyalla. cheytal prashnangal undakam, pakshe entina cheyyan pone ennoru avastha. avasaanam adiyitta ponnathu.. nalla vishamamayi. avalkku kaaryama paranju kodukkunne, oru paridhi vare enkilum.pakshe ennal polum avale vishamippikkunnallo ennoru vishamam. ende nanune enikku vishamippikkanda... ende daivame, athu nadakkunnillallo. innum pattiniya. mindenda. nanayi vishakkunnundu. pakshe kaaryam paryananel polum njan ende nannune vishamippichu. athinu njan kurachenkilum anubhavikkanam. athoru universal lawya... thettu cheytal athinu anubhavikkum... anubhavikkanam.. aval ippozhum avane protect cheyyunnundu... enno avale snehichirunna peril.. atavalde nalla manassnao kaanikkunne/ atho mandataramo/ atho randumo? daivame, onnu sahayikk.

day 1.. contd.

ende daivame... its just been a few hours, and ippo thanne sahikkan vayya... aval parayunne avlde bhagathu thettillenna. ee kaaryathil thettum sherim illa.. just grey areasa.. buit aval innalem veeetttil vannu ninnappo avanu kooduthal aduppam thonnatheyullu.. nayana avanu vendi enthum cheyyumm ennulla feeling, nayan avandeyanennulla feeling.. avanu thanne athu haanikaram. avalkkanganrunnel vendilla.. athinu kaaranam njan thanne. atho avano? njan support cheyyane uddeshichullu.. itrem adukkumennu vicharichilla.. daivame avalkkenta ingane?avalonnu santoshamayittirikkunne kaanan patille? daivame avalkku nallathu varuthane. enikku ippo planinanusarichu pidichu nilkkanulla sheshiyum.

day 1

ende daivame... enta itingane? innale avalodu veettil varalle varalle ennu paranjata. vaikunneramayappo de vannirikkunnu. satyamayittum kathi kuthiyirakkiya vedanayarunnu. ella bandhom nrithanam ennu vicharichata.oru ara manikoor nerathekku nirthiyatuma. pakshe pinna enikku manassilayathu, enthokke cheytalum enikkavale verukkan pattilla, enthokkayanelum ende nannuva.

innale aval roomil poyilla, hallila kidanne. urangiyo ennenikkariyilla.. njan nalla paadu petta urangiye.. avarum angane thannarunnennu thonnunnu. njanenta cheyyande? avalkku ottum vivaramilla. avanumayi friends aakunnathu nallata, enikkavare pirikkanam ennilla, pakshe enne/njan atra snehikkukem venam avanumayum venam nu parayunnathu alpam adhikapattalle? aadyam njan vicharichu njan maarikoduthekkam, initial vishamam poyittu aval sheriyayikolum ennu.. pakshe pinnalochiche, eentanelum inganoru oppurtunity vannu. crisis nadannu. ini avalde reaction entarikkumennu nokkam. oru orazcha ekadesham observe cheyyam. oru major prashnam vannu kazhiyumbo adapt cheyyathe vere vazhiyilla. atanu law of nature.. aa survival skill ellavarudem bvasic instinct aanu.

onnukil aval avane vendidathu nirthum. njan ellam paranju kodukkunnondarikkum ithu vare katthathathu.angananel oru divasam njan poyi avalumayi rekindle cheyyum. atalla ini aval avanumayi genuinely adukkuvanel athum nallathu. avanum santoshamakum. avanavale ponnu pole nokkukem cheyyum. angananel njan pinne avalde jeevitathil kerilla. at least santoshamayittirikumallo. njan kurachu naal vishamickumarikkum. pinne nere akum ennu prateekshikkunnu. engananelum avalkku gunama. avakku nallathu varane. daivame, avakku nallathu maatrame varuthave. please. ende nannuvane.

ee blog aarum vaayikkan vendiyullatalla.. aarum vaayikkanm ennum illa. ini athava aarelum abadhathil vannu pettatanenkil eluppam pokunnatanu nalathu, kaaranam njan ezhutiyirikkunnathu oru pinnakkum manassilakilla. athinu ende katha ariyanam. athippo parayan manassilla.

avalkku dance kalikkanam. enta njan cheyyande? enikku nalla aagraham undu avakkeppozhum thangum tanaum aayi undakanamennu. oru pakshe athu thanne aayirunnirikkam njangale atra aduppichathu. pranthande pranthinidayil njan maatramarunnirikkanam avalkkake undayirunna aaswasam. pakshe ippo njanum athu pole aakunnundo ennoru samshayam. enikkum aa oru possesiveness varunnu. nalla pachakku. returning, dance.
 dance cheyyatirikkan enikku kure kaaranangal niratham. ettavum valuthu athu history vachu cheyyan pattunna ettavum valiya mandan move aanu.btu atodoppam thanne enikkalppam jealosuyum deshyavum thonnunnille ennu chodichal athu njan nishedhikkilla. pakshe athu thettano? aval paranjathu vechu avalde jeevananu njan. ennittum aara koodutal samayam avalde koode chilavidunne ennu ellarkkuma riyaam,. njan itrem adjust cheyyunnille? avalkkum idakkide cheythu koode? satyam , appo pakshe ende sneham unconditional aakunnilla.

alla avanum avalde santoshathinum vendi itrem adjust cheyyamenkil ithoode aayikoode enikku? naale parayam enna pranje. naale entanu parayendetnenu oru pidiyum illa. bsl teacher paranja pole, njan verumoru mandan. but is she worth it? ippo aalochichal avalenikkonnum cheythittilla. satyamanalle?hmm.

avalkkengane parayan thonniyo kalikkan agraham undennu. itrem kolahalathinu sheshavum.enta atinartham? +